Why Your Child Says “I Don’t Like You” (And What They Actually Mean)
If your child has ever said something like “I don’t like you,” “go away,” or even “you’re not my friend,” you are definitely not alone. And while those words can sting in the moment, most children are not trying to be intentionally hurtful when they say them.
As a Direct Service BCBA at Joyscape Therapy this is something we hear often during sessions, sometimes during table work, sometimes during transitions, and sometimes right in the middle of play. For many families across the Bay Area, these moments can feel especially difficult and embarrassing when they happen in public places like parks, libraries, or playdates where emotions are already running high.
But there is good news! In many cases, this type of language is not defiance at all.
It is communication.
When we stop focusing only on the words being said and start looking at the meaning behind them, we can better understand what a child is trying to tell us and more importantly, teach them what to say instead.
💬 Behavior Is Communication
In Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA), behavior is understood as a form of communication, meaning that every behavior serves a purpose or function (Cooper, Heron, & Heward).
Even when children are not using the “right” words, their actions, reactions, and behaviors are often communicating something important: an unmet need, a feeling, or an attempt to get help.
Organizations such as the Association for Science in Autism Treatment emphasize that many challenging behaviors happen when children do not yet have the communication skills to express what they need effectively.
For many children, especially those still developing communication, emotional regulation, or problem-solving skills, challenging statements often happen simply because they do not yet know how to appropriately express what they are thinking or feeling.
So when a child says, “I don’t like you.”
They may not literally mean that they dislike the person in front of them. Instead, they may be trying to communicate something deeper, such as:
“I’m frustrated.”
“I don’t want to do this.”
“That was too hard.”
“I need space.”
“I don’t know how to ask for what I need.”
Research has identified several common reasons children engage in behavior, including gaining attention, escaping or avoiding a task, accessing something they want, or responding to sensory needs (Iwata et al., 1994).
When we look beyond the words themselves and focus on the message underneath, we can better understand what a child is trying to communicate and support them in learning a more effective way to express that need.
🔍 What Is Functional Communication Training (FCT)?
Functional Communication Training (FCT) is an evidence-based strategy that teaches children to replace challenging behavior with appropriate communication that serves the same purpose. Rather than simply trying to stop a behavior, FCT focuses on understanding why the behavior occurs and teaching the child a more effective, socially appropriate way to communicate that same need.
For example, if a child says:
“I don’t like you.”
They may actually be trying to communicate:
“I need a break.”
“Can you help me?”
“I don’t want to do this right now.”
“I need space.”
The goal is not to punish or suppress the child’s communication; it is to help them learn a more successful way to express themselves.
Research has consistently shown that teaching functional communication can significantly reduce challenging behaviors and improve interactions by providing children with an effective means to meet their needs (Carr & Durand, 1985). The Association for Science in Autism Treatment also recognizes FCT as an evidence-based intervention that helps children improve communication while reducing behaviors that may interfere with learning or relationships.
At Joyscape therapy, our model of play-based naturalistic teaching actively models and practices these communication skills during sessions in-center, in home, and community-based settings so children can learn to use them across environments. Our goal is to help children not only learn the skill during therapy, but also generalize it to home, school, and everyday life.
⚠️ Why This Behavior Happens
Children often use phrases like “I don’t like you” when:
They are overwhelmed or dysregulated
They do not yet have the language to express their needs
They are trying to escape or avoid a task
They are seeking attention or connection
For many children, moments of frustration can feel much bigger than they know how to manage. When a child does not yet have the coping skills, language, or problem-solving abilities to communicate what they need, they may blurt out hurtful words or react in big ways simply because they do not know what else to do.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention notes that some children may have difficulty using language to express their needs, which can make communication especially challenging during moments of frustration. Similarly, the Association for Science in Autism Treatment highlights that challenging behavior can occur when children lack the functional communication skills needed to appropriately express wants, needs, or emotions.
From a behavioral perspective, research has shown that behaviors often continue when they help a child achieve a desired outcome, such as gaining attention, escaping a demand, accessing something preferred, or receiving support (Iwata et al., 1994).
In simple terms: if a behavior works, a child is likely to use it again.
For example, if saying “I don’t like you” consistently helps a child:
avoid a difficult task,
delay a transition, or
quickly gain adult attention,
That phrase may become their go-to response because it has successfully worked for them before.
In fast-paced environments like busy Bay Area classrooms, group activities, or community outings, these patterns can form quickly. If children are not taught a better way to communicate their needs, they may continue relying on these statements simply because they have learned that the behavior gets results.
🛠️ What Parents Can Do in the Moment
Here’s a simple 3-step approach you can use right away:
1. Stay Calm
👉 “My child is trying to communicate something.”
2. Interpret the Message
Common patterns:
Escape → “This is too hard.”
Attention → “Help me.”
Regulation → “I’m overwhelmed.”
3. Model What to Say Instead
Instead of:
❌ “That’s not nice.”
Try:
✅ “You can say, ‘I need a break.’”
✅ “You can say, ‘Help me please.’”
✅ “You can say, ‘I’m frustrated.’”
🔁 Practice Outside of the Moment
The best time to teach communication is before frustration happens not in the middle of a meltdown or dysregulated moment.
Just like adults struggle to learn new skills when upset, children are less able to process feedback, remember instructions, or try new language when they are overwhelmed.
Teaching replacement phrases during calm moments helps children practice the skill when their brains are regulated and ready to learn.
Evidence-based organizations such as the National Autism Center recognize Functional Communication Training as an effective intervention because communication skills are most successful when practiced proactively and consistently.
We often recommend:
Practicing phrases during calm moments at home
Example: During playtime, model “help please” or “my turn.”
Role-playing frustrating situations
Practice what to say when leaving the park, waiting for a turn, or asking for help.
Using visuals or reminders
Keep simple phrase cards or prompts nearby for your child to reference.
Praising attempts immediately
Even if prompted, reinforce the effort: “Great job telling me you needed help!”
The more often children practice these communication tools in calm, successful moments, the more likely they are to use them independently during difficult ones.
Consistency across home, school, therapy, and community settings is key to helping these skills carry over into everyday life.
🌱 What Progress Looks Like
Progress may look like:
Using new phrases with prompts
Recovering more quickly
Increasing independence over time
❤️ Final Thought
Organizations such as the Association for Science in Autism Treatment and the National Autism Center, along with decades of research in Applied Behavior Analysis, emphasize that supporting a child’s communication skills is one of the most important ways to promote long-term success. Research has shown that when children are taught functional communication through strategies such as Functional Communication Training, they are better able to express their needs and rely less on challenging behaviors.
When a child says, “I don’t like you,” it can feel personal, but in most cases, it is not rejection.
It is communication.
And when we slow down, interpret the message, and teach what to say instead, we are not just responding to a difficult moment; we are helping build a lifelong skill that can support them at home, in school, and throughout their community.
📌 Joyscape Tip
If your child frequently uses phrases like “I don’t like you,” focus on teaching what to say instead before the moment happens.
As a BCBA at Joyscape Therapy, we would:
Identify the function of the behavior (what your child is trying to communicate)
Teach simple, functional replacement phrases
Practice those skills across settings: home, school, and community
Reinforce through praise/high fives/cuddles when behaviors occurs.
When children are given the right words, they are more successful, more understood, and less likely to rely on challenging behaviors.
📚 References
Association for Science in Autism Treatment. Functional Communication Training. https://asatonline.org/for-parents/learn-more-about-specific-treatments/applied-behavior-analysis-aba/aba-techniques/functional-communication-training-fct/(Explains how teaching functional communication can reduce challenging behaviors and improve a child’s ability to express needs.)
Carr, E. G., & Durand, V. M. (1985). Reducing behavior problems through functional communication training.Journal of Applied Behavior Analysis.(Foundational research demonstrating how teaching communication can reduce challenging behavior.)
Cooper, J. O., Heron, T. E., & Heward, W. L. Applied Behavior Analysis.(Core ABA textbook outlining behavior as a form of communication and the principles of intervention.)
Iwata, B. A., et al. (1994). Toward a functional analysis of self-injury. Journal of Applied Behavior Analysis.(Research identifying common functions of behavior such as attention, escape, and sensory needs.)
National Autism Center. National Standards Project, Phase 2.https://www.nationalautismcenter.org/national-standards-project/phase-2/(Identifies Functional Communication Training as an evidence-based intervention for improving communication and reducing challenging behavior.)
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Signs and Symptoms of Autism Spectrum Disorder.https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/autism/signs.htm(Describes how communication differences may impact how children express needs and interact with others.)
